Cruzin’ for a Bruisin’ Ted Cruz Fan Kit

Today, after eating some Texas Queso I thought; I should do a Ted Cruz promotional crap post and since the Internet has lowered the barrier for publication to absolute zero, I did.

Behold.

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Starting with the basic promotional t-shirt.  “Reigniting the Promise of America” might just be the worst campaign slogan in American history.  I don’t know if that was the official slogan Cruz used but it really is just a shittier version of Make America Great Again.  It sounds funny if you imagine it say it in Ted’s own voice.

Moving up the creepy scale is this Ted Cruz Bobblehead.  Now, Ted-Cruz-like features at Bobblehead scale are pretty nondescript— as you can tell from that thumbnail, but the giveaway is clear when you see the full-sized picture.  I’m not talking about his name on the baseplate, I mean the dead look in the eyes.

This next one is a Ted Cruz mask and what actually inspired me to make this post.  I incidentally saw it come up in the childrens’ party favor sets category.  Seriously.  It looks like exactly the mask Ted Cruz would wear to a costume party.

(EDIT: unfortunately, Amazon has removed this sad and hilarious item)

That moves us right on to this one.  TED CRUZ MISSILE HABANERO FLAVORED FLORIDA HOTSAUCE.  Need I say any more?

Next up is this coloring book.  A Ted Cruz coloring book called Cruz to the Future.  This is a great way to introduce Ted Cruz to an average trump supporter.

Next is another book.  Unlike the last one, it isn’t a coloring book— it’s an ebook!  It’s a three part series (maybe?  I honestly don’t care enough to check) conspiring that Ted Cruz is the infamous Zodiac Killer.  This one is a good way to introduce Cruz to your local Gary Johnson fans.

And that brings us to the final item on my list.  The only item I would use myself:

TCTP.  Ted Cruz Toilet Paper.  He’s an asswipe, so he should wipe asses.

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